Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Why can't they SHARE?

We've just been trying to squeeze the last few drops out of summer before I head back to work next week. All in all, it's been a great summer. We've been healthy and have had a lot of fun swimming, playing with water, riding ponies, going to the zoo, the beach, and the splash park. The girls have made great strides in their physical skills, and their ability to communicate, and have even been eating a little bit better.

Holland saw the eye doctor this week, and it looks like she is using her right, stronger eye, more than her left, so we are going to be patching again for two hours a day. We've got two days under our belts without a problem, so hopefully it won't be an issue. She seems satisfied with the explanation that Dr. Tisch wants her to wear a patch every day to help make her eye stronger. She has asked a couple of times to take it off, but I just tell her that she is almost done, and I will take it off in a few minutes.

Eden saw the eye doctor this summer too. She is nearsighted, and is going to need glasses, but we are going to wait until next year as her vision isn't bad enough to need them just yet. I have yet to figure out how we will keep her cochlear implant processor and magnet, and glasses on her, when she still can't sit up or hold her head up very well, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

In other news, my sweet adorable twin girls have really been into screaming, screeching, hitting, pulling hair, pinching, and grabbing each others' toys lately. I haven't seen evidence of this "twin bond" that so many of you speak of. I mean, I guess they like each other as well as the next kid, but they ALWAYS want what the other has, and will throw massive fits when they can't have it. They also feed off of each other, so if one is doing something bad, the other will start copying it to get attention. Also, if one is crying the other will start. They really hate for their sister to be getting more attention than them.

It's an ongoing battle. As I am typing this, for example... Eden is playing bedtime with a pillow and blanket on the floor. Holland wants it and starts whining, so I get up and get her Potty Time Elmo on the other side of the room. Eden sees her, so rolls over and grabs it. Both start screeching because they want it. I ask Eden if she wants blocks instead. They both decide they want blocks. I set them up playing with blocks. Holland finds an Elmo book on the shelf and starts playing with that. Eden wants it and starts pulling Holland's shirt trying to get to it. Both start screeching and whining again. And again. And again. Why is it that they BOTH have to play with the same toy. And why can't they SHARE? Oh wait. They are THREE. That explains it.


Anonymous said...

why don't you try when your husband is home playing in the same room, but each of you take a kid and play with them with a toy, and then swap toys so that the girls start to see that they will get a chance with both toys. also, if they are killing eachother over one toy, try taking that toy away from both of them and set them up with another one.
having so many toys in one room where they can grab as many as they want can also be the problem. try picking one toy and playing outside of the play room or wherever you keep all the toys...maybe when they aren't surrounded by millions of toys, they will learn to share the one toy that is in front of them..

Anonymous said...


Did Eden get a new pony walker? Pink!?!? That's awesome! I thought I remember the other one yellow or something.


Anonymous said...

When my nieces were three, my sister resorted to getting two of about twelve of their favorite toys. She scoured second hand stores, asked friends, and borrowed some, just to keep the screaming, screeching, and fighting down. It worked! If the girls started fighting over a toy, she simply handed the second toy to one of them, and then they both played. If they fought over a toy that they only had one of, my sister put it away, and took out one of the toy "sets." She told them that when they learned not to fight, then they could have the single toys back. They are five now, and after about age three and a half, the fighting about toys really went down, as did the vying for attention. Hang in there! It will get better.

Anonymous said...


My twins, a boy and a girl, just turned 3 too. When they really fighting over something I tell them that they're going to take turn playing with it. I set timer for 3 min and one plays. Timer goes off and I tell them to switch and set timer again for 3 min.

Also sometimes when I have just one toy I tell them first that I have ONLY ONE toy and they have to SHARE it and if they won't I'll take it away. THAN I give them the toy. Seems like warning about saring before giving the toy often works too.

Good luck!

mamashine said...

The timer works for us too. Having two of the same item does not work for some reason. They continue to fight over one, even though the second one is identical. It's really annoying.

Miracles said...

Billie, I swear you are describing my girl's!! They do the exact same thing. It always boggles my mind that they don't really want the toy the other has, they just don't want the other one to have it. I find myself juggling things around all day to help make both of them happy.
I'm so glad I'm not alone in this one.

Shannon said...

Hi Billie, did Eden get the bigger pony!? I'm trying to decide if I should order the yellow one for Ashton or go one step up.

I can't imagine how hard it is dealing with kids that want what the other has all of the time. LOL

As for the glasses on Eden, Ashton has the implant and glasses and although at times it is frustrating he does pretty good and he doesn't have head control either. Sometimes he knocks them down over and over and over so I just take them off for a bit.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you updated. I love this blog and I check it almost everyday. I love to see their progress and their adorable smiles. Holland's eye patch is so cute. I wish they would have gave Jaxon a cute one like that while in the NICU.


Anonymous said...

hi billie, i have a granddaughter that had to patch 6 hrs a day, i work for an eye dr but sent her to a wonerful ped opthamologist. we patched her by putting translucent contact lens paper over the lens in her glasses, works great. we use this type of patching on all the little ones that come to our office. but.........they can't peek around it. it is so easy to do and the kids don't mind it. of course ask your eye doctor but believe me well worth it

Anonymous said...

They're 3 is exactly right! I don't have twins & at times Madison & Micah do the exact same thing. I think it's all part of the "sibling" thing. :-) Madison & I love all the pics of the girls you have posted. Great job w/the blog site! ~Monica~

Anonymous said...

My daughter is 3 and my son is 9 months. She started doing the same thing your girls do. When the "please give it back, he gets to play too" didn't work. And when Time Outs didn't work, I ended up taking every single toy out of her room and even put her dresser in her closet so she couldn't play in all her clothes. Then, when she'd take a toy away I'd tell her to give it back. If she didn't do it (or if she only did it with a lot of screaming) I'd put her alone in her room for 15 minutes. I wouldn't take her out until she had stopped screaming and crying for at least 2 minutes. I only had to do that twice before her behaviour really turned around.

Guess there is something worse than having to share: being alone with nothing to do.

Whatever you decide to do, I offer you luck in patience and sanity...because being a mom of a 3 yr old is quite the challenge! (I can only imagine having two 3 yr olds!)

Herriman, UT

Anonymous said...


One last thought...maybe they just need more alone time, away from each other. (????)

I vaguely remember hearing about twins who chronically fought until they were given about 1 hr of individual private play time each day. I think in the beginning they fought the seperation, but after a couple weeks they thrived with it and ended up playing together much more nicely once they had gotton a break from the other.

I've also heard that when you have kids almost the same age, or the same age, that they tend to be more competetive. They may be showing this competetiveness in the form of "trumping" each other when it comes to toys. Maybe there is some way to funnel the behavior so that "1 girl is the dancer and the other is the singer" ??? Give them different things to master so they find their pride and sense of accomplishments come in different ways.

It might be good to allow each girl her own small box of toys which the other girl can not touch without her sister's permission (and permission should not be forced by the parent). That might help if the behavior is partially caused from them beginning their "Twin Identity Crisis"...they may just be trying to find ways to establish themselves as individuals, seperate from the other.

I'm no psychologist, but different articles like this might help:

Course, might just be a "3 yr old" thing too. Lol! At least I can try to help. :) Best to you.

Just thoughts.


Ivanna said...

I wouldn't read too much into the fighting... My kids too want the exact same thing, I mean EXACT same thing that the other one has. They are starting to understand sharing, and assure me that they will share, but 3 minutes later the fighting over toys begins. Just so you know, a red Etch-a-sketch and the otherwise identical but blue Etch-a-sketch are clearly not the same thing, because even that causes a bit argument :) I'm sure they'll grow out of it!

Lisa Leonard said...

Oh its so draining! It will pass, but it feel slike forever! So glad to hear the girls ave made good progress this summer!