Friday, January 04, 2008


So, this is what we did on the very first day of 2008.

I know, I know. I really should get over myself and stop my whining!


Anonymous said...

I would venture a guess that everyone whines at least once in awhile. Most of us just don't want to admit it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Somehow we all get through the life we have. Beautiful pictures of you and your family, even the snowman. God bless you. Connie

Sarah Furlough said...

Love the last photo of you and the girls! I am really wishing for snow- seeing your photos makes me want it more. No luck though, it's going to be in the 60s here next week. Blah!

Anonymous said...

You have such an attractive family! It is easy to focus on the nagative and forget about the positive. You have a great husband, 2 little girls and a home. Good health and providing the necessities are reason enough to be thankful for. You have so much!!!!! Don't let their disabilities overshadow all of their greatness and opportunities.

Anonymous said...

I am so jealous I missed out on the fun. I luv the last pic, looks like you all had a blast. Hope Nana is feeling well (Luv Ya). See you all next week so we can play!! Luv Lizzie

Allison said...

Glad to see the scarves!

Anonymous said...

This is a gorgeous picture of you and the girls. You should enter it in a Winkflash contest, I am sure you would win. Simply beautiful you are, Billie. And believe it or not, I see a bit of the old you in those twinkling eyes. I read you are going through a bit of valley. I think that is natural. Perhaps you need someone to talk to about this. Perhaps you need an outside party to give you perspective on how wonderfully you have handled a lot of difficult situations and a hectic daily life. So, you're house is a bit messy for a few years? I think in the grand scheme, that it okay and life will still be good. I think a lot of things. I think you are a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, and aunt. That anyone who gets to spend a minute with you is blessed by it. I'm not saying this to guilt you, sounds like you do that enough to yourself...but I do miss you. I personally love that you spend the time on the makes me feel as though I am right there with you anytime I want.

Go play paper, rock, scissors with your husband and have the loser go buy some Big Macs. Just like in the old days.
Love you...cannot say it across the miles so you can hear it. Love yourself, Billie girl... Kris

Shannon said...

Billie I LOVE the new pics!! And your post need to feel guilty. It sucks feeling that way....nothing much else to say except that I understand.

Thanks for the book from Holland!! Funny because I saw it a while ago and was going to get it for him. Pefect!

Anonymous said...

Acceptance of disability and limitiations is a lifelong process and comes in gradual waves. I wish you the best in your journey. I love watching your girls grow up. Post some more videos soon so I can see them in action :)

Melanie said...

Looks like you guys had a great time in the snow. Chin up, there seems to be a "funk" going around. I have it, you have it, Melissa (nathan's mom) has it....must just be "that time of the year!"

Chin have a beautiful family, and you will again get things in order and find yourself. You might have to dig through the rubble a little, but you're still there, bright and shiny!

Amy said...

What great pictures! Kinda makes me sad my kids won't ever have regular "snow days" here in Louisiana.

Melissa said...


I absolutely love the pic of you and the girls! So cute!

Melanie is right, I think it is just that time of year. It's hard to start a new year when you feel like you haven't completely finished or gotten things that you had hoped for out of last year. That is what I love about being able to blog and connect with others that are not only feeling what I may be feeling but also understand and "get it!"

Anonymous said...

Hi, Billie.

That family of yours just shines.

I would also like to put it out there that I don't think you're whining, but I do sense some depression, more than normal grieving, but uresolved trauma/guilt, etc. I think you need a safe, non-family place to go and confront it. I know, I know, good therapists are hard to find. But! I think your whole family would benefit. It's normal to be exhausted, overwhelmed, to feel lost as a person once one is a mother... not to MENTION all of the other variables you got when you became a mother as well... But it's not healthy to be crying all the time, to feel that stuck, to have your hands shaking when you remember H & E's arrival, etc. It's easy to blow this ass-vice off, I know, but please don't discount it. If you wouldn't do it for you, think about doing it for the health of your little family. This doesn't mean you're not an awesome mom(you ARE), that you guys aren't, at the end of the day, incredibly close and loving as a family--- but the theme of this extra stuff keeps coming up and why not confront it head-on? It seems it's eating away at you a bit, and perhaps getting in the way of something even better.

--With much affection,

Anonymous said...


I worry that my comment maybe didn't come across the way I intended.

Just in case-- I support you. I think you're amazing. I think your reasons for feeling anxious, etc are perfectly justified(if one ever has to justify anxiety).

I'm just... coming from a place where stuff went untreated once upon a time and the consequences were awful. I thought I could deal with it. I'd feel better later after a vent and scoff at myself for being "melodramatic" or berate myself for being "full of myself." I underestimated the damage that can be done when we don't deal with things that aren't healing. And it wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to the people I love.

Plus it wasn't necessary, or inevitable. It didn't have to be that way.


Anonymous said...

Hi Billie,
Just wanted to say thanks again for sharing part of your afternoon with Lisa and I. I totally enjoyed hanging out with you and the girls. Every time I see them, I'm amazed at how big they're getting and how funny they can be! Miss Holland's eye rolling face is halarious and Eden's "what about me?" makes me smile every time I think about it. You're blessed with 2 awesome kiddos my friend. If you ever want to get out for a bit please give me a call...I'd be happy to make the short drive over to watch the girls so you can have some 'you' time. :) Love to you all, Jules

Anonymous said...

I have read your blog for a while now, and I think you are the most amazing mother I have ever seen. I am sure you can't do it all (no one can), particularly given the "all" that you have in front of you. That said, you are incredible. And isn't there some saying, at the end of your life on your deathbed, no one ever says I wish I had done more housework?! Yes, more cooking - that would have been significant! Instead, you devote all your free time to your beautiful family, and it shows.

As for your feelings right now, I agree with some of the other comments, it might be good to see someone. I think you probably have PTSD from the trauma of the girls' birth, their NICU stay, and the difficulty of these past years. And I think you are still in the stages of grief, which has probably been interupted by the energy you have to put into caretaking, causing you to not be able to fully process your grief.

Finally, I read something the other day and thought of you. I wondered if you might like it, so I have pasted it below. (And the name of the country in the story is completely coincidental). From a mother of a chiild with special needs:

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this . . .

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, 'Welcome to Holland.' 'Holland?' you say, “What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.' But there’s been a change in flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland, and there you must stay.

The most important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, 'Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.'

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

Your "Holland" (and Eden), are so very lovely, but I know you are having a different experience than you expected, and one with significant difficulty, at that. But you would never know it looking at your girls. They are truly, truly lovely. The picture of the three of you took my breath away - literally. I am not sure when I have seen a more beautiful picture.

Shannon said...

You got great pictures! What you captured in those pics is what I love about snow. But that's it.

As for the whining... whine away. We all need to now and then, sometimes more NOW than then. We do the best we can right?

Hugs to you and your girls!

Anonymous said...

I've followed your blog but never posted before. Reading your last couple of posts, though, I felt I had to say something. You are doing an amazing, incredible job, much better than I or lots of people would have done under the circumstances. Don't be so hard on yourself. And I think you need some "me" time, without guilt. Where I live, Early Intervention provides respite care for parents of kids with special needs--maybe you can look into that. Even just an afternoon or a morning once a week, where you're focused totally on your own needs, without guilt, may be what you need. You are shouldering a heavy load and doing an incredible job. You can't be expected to keep a perfect house, prepare home-cooked meals all the time, etc. Don't be so hard on yourself. YOU ARE DOING GREAT. Just get some help with the girls if it's at all possible. You'll be a better mom if you take care of yourself too.

Kendra Lynn said...

Lovin' those happy girls!!!


Amy said...

Have to tell you that last night I actually dreamed that I came to your house to see you get some type of award for your writing. Then I got snowed in and couldn't leave. Funny how your blog (and your snow) crept into my dreams!

Anonymous said...

Wow! That last picture is gorgeous! What a creative idea! I hope you enlarged it for hanging!

Anonymous said...

I do not know you
I am 38 and I do not have children
I can't
But I want to hug you
I think you are an amazing young woman
I think you're doing an amazing job in extraordinary circumstances... Circumstances you did not want or ask for but this is where you are. I would imagine with every milestone you celebrate, you will also will also feel some grief for what could have been. You will likely beat yourself up for this no matter how much all of us who read your story tell you not to... and I think that's just natural. Maybe I should not speak to such things havimg no frame of reference but I imagine a lot.... And I've read your blog from the start and I feel like you and I would be friends... and I would give you a hug. You are doing an amazing job.